Submission #3: A Letter of Gratitude to Myself

Hey you,



Yes, that’s right, you. I’m sorry for all I’ve said, and done, and thought, and the way I’ve made you feel. I’m sorry for all the pictures I cropped you out of, for all the ways I tried to hide you, the ways I’ve compared you, wished you away, and tried to change you. I’m so sorry for the way I’ve let you believe what the world says is the right size. I’m sorry that I put all this pressure on you. I’m sorry I didn’t let you show up as you are. I’m sorry for all I did to try to make you feel beautiful. I’m sorry for all of the guilt and shame I’ve put on you.



It’s time I express my gratitude for all you do and will continue to do for me. Thank you. Thank you for the places you’ve taken me. These legs have peddled across Costa Rica, swam in Italy, ran marathons across the Midwest, taken you zip-lining in Belize, horseback riding in Honduras, hiking through Austria, sailing in beautiful waters, dancing in Barcelona. These arms have carried babies in Haiti, hugged kiddos in Colorado, made meals for the homeless in Chicago, played with kitties, threw tennis balls to all the dogs, built a church in Puerto Rico, carried vegetables at the farm, and embraced strangers. This body has taken you kayaking, surfing, paddle boarding, softball swinging all-conference, and moved you across the country. This body has held loved ones. Cared for strangers. Gotten you through pain and hurt and all kinds of things a body shouldn’t have to endure. This body has let you stay up late studying, pursuing a bachelors degree, two masters degrees, a profession you love. But even if you hadn’t done a single one of these things, you’ve let me be here. So thank you.



And so for that, I will end this love letter with a promise. A promise to love you better. To tell you how beautiful and wonderfully made you are. I promise to appreciate you better, to talk kinder to you, to see you through new eyes. I promise not to hide you. I promise to nourish you. To challenge you. But most of all, to love, appreciate you, and treat you like a temple.



Psalms 139:13-16 “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous— how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

I will leave you with some words that inspired me to write this, “and so, dear everything. dear body. dear self. dear cells that are more countless than the stars in the sky, who give flesh and bone to my soul, i love you. even now, while i’m sad, while i sit here judging you, hating you, being disappointed by you – know that i’ve finally realized it isn’t you. it’s me.”



Love,

Me